


The Testing of Daydream Charms

by shaggydogstail



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humour, Multi, Pranking, but only magically induced fantasies, various other crack ships - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-30
Updated: 2017-04-30
Packaged: 2018-10-25 17:12:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10768752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shaggydogstail/pseuds/shaggydogstail
Summary: Fred and George are in the early stages of developing their patented Daydream Charms.  They decide to test them on the unsuspecting residents of 12 Grimmauld Place, with varying results.





	The Testing of Daydream Charms

**Author's Note:**

  * For [midnitemaraud_r (MidniteMarauder)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidniteMarauder/gifts).



The dark, dusty room was littered with mess; clothes, books, games, and odd, unidentifiable bits of equipment that spewed out of a dozen boxes, which seemed to have been exploded rather than unpacked.

In the midst of all the chaos, two heads of brilliant red hair were bent over a piece of parchment that was weighted to the floor by an old shoe and an empty bottle of Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans, and covered with scribbled notes and illustrations.

'I think,' said Fred, 'this may be our greatest work yet.'

'A triumph,' agreed George. 'A true piece of innovation.'

'Genius even,' said Fred. 'Once we've tested it...'

'...ironed out a few kinks...'

'...checked for any unforeseen eventualities...'

'Nothing to worry about!'

~*~

Sirius was sitting in the kitchen of Grimmauld Place, glaring at his cold cup of tea, and radiating non-specific malice towards the world in general. This was nothing new - glowering malevolently had become his favourite morning activity since he'd moved back into this infernal hole. Unfortunately, it did make him something of a sitting duck, and he didn't notice a thing until after the spell him...

_Sirius was locked in a room at the top of a tower. He spent his days brushing his lustrous black hair, and staring disconsolately out of the window. At the bottom of the tower was a wide moat, patrolled by a trio of ferocious dragons, and beyond that there were forests as far as the eye could see. Trapped without a wand, and too high to jump as man or dog, he had no way out of the tower, though his room was filled with silks and a house-elf brought him sumptuous meals on a silver tray three times a day._

_He had all but given up hope of ever escaping, when, on a dusky summer's evening, Sirius spotted a figure moving over the treetops. Could it be? Perhaps - but no. Yes! A few heart-stopping moments later, a magnificent winged horse pulled up beside his window. Its hair was shimmering white, almost silver, and it was ridden by the dark and mysterious figure of..._

_Severus Snape._

_'Climb aboard!' cried Snape. 'I've come to take you far, far away from all of this.'_

_Not waiting to be told twice, Sirius shimmied out of the window in a jiffy, settling himself on the horse's back and wrapping his arms tightly around Snape's waist._

_He had never known such a sense of elation as the horse flapped his wings once, twice, three times and they sped off, Sirius clinging to his saviour as they flew off into the sunset together._

Sirius sat bolt upright, shaking his head. 'What the fuck?'

He got up from the table, scraping his chair loudly across the floor and shouting his he stalked out of the kitchen. 'Oi, Dung, you unmitigated bastard, what did'ya do with the rest of the firewhisky?'

~*~

Testing Analysis: stage one

'Well, it sort of worked. He did have a dreamy look on his face.'

'He didn't look very happy afterwards.'

'No. But then he isn't exactly what you'd call cheerful at the best of times.'

'Perhaps we set our sights a bit too high...'

'...maybe find someone who isn't such a misery, then move upwards?'

'Exactly.'

~*~

Arthur was exhausted. Another trying day at the Ministry, and that was on barely two hours' sleep after being on guard duty the night before. The last thing he'd needed when he stepped through the front door was Molly accosting him with a duster and ordering him towards the drawing room, her voice sounding more fearsome than usual as she competed with the cacophony of Mrs Black's insults.

Perhaps... he could allow himself just a little sit down. A quick flick through that new Muggle eclectics brochure he'd picked up the previous week. Well, why not? He'd earnt a rest, after all.

Arthur settled himself down on an elderly wing-backed chair, coughing as a cloud of dust flew up around him. He reached into the pocket of his robes, and pulled out the brochure, a smile lighting up his face as he opened it. It was... well, it was an unusual document to say the least. In all his years of collecting plugs and studying fuses, Arthur had never seen anything like _these_ particular devices. What did one do with...? Arthur felt a blush rise to his cheeks as he realised exactly what sort of catalogue he had acquired. Just as well he hadn't shown it to young Hermione.

He was so flustered, he never felt the spell hit at all...

_'Why, Mr Weasley, what do you have there?'_

_Arthur looked up to see Nymphadora Tonks sashaying towards him, clad in a skin-tight outfit made out of some sort of black material - plestic?_

_'I've been studying Muggle devices, Tonks,' Arthur replied._

_'You can call me Nymphadora,' she purred, sitting down in his lap, saddling him. 'Is that a vibrator?'_

_Arthur swallowed heavily. 'Why, yes it is. How did you, um...'_

_'I like Muggle things too,' said Tonks. 'I bought this outfit at one of those Muggle sex shops. Look, it's got zips.'_

_Tonks undid one of the many zips on her PVC catsuit, exposing much of her breasts and just a hint of nipple. She leant forwards, rubbing her body against Arthur's. 'Do you like it?'_

_Arthur wasn't generally considered a man of action, but he knew that this was one occasion when words simply would not suffice. He let his hand stroke the jet-black material of Tonks' outfit, only pausing when he reached the soft, exposed skin of her breast. Breathing heavily, he parted the material a little further, and then dipped his head. Tonks moaned softly as his tongue lapped at her nipple, and she wriggled in his lap._

_'Mr Weasley, I can't take any more,' she moaned. She picked up one of the collection of vibrators Arthur had arranged on the table by his chair. 'Turn it on.'_

~*~

'Arthur, dinner's ready!'

Molly's voice shook Arthur out of his reverie, and he leapt to his feet, thoroughly confused.

'Coming dear!' he called, once he got his wits back. 'I'll just finish... cleaning up.'

~*~

Testing Analysis: stage two

'Is it maybe a bit strange...'

'Using family members as test subjects? Yes.'

'Perhaps next time we should look a little further afield?'

'Cast the net wider, so to speak.'

~*~

Professor McGonagall perched primly on the edge of a stiff-backed dining room chair, feeling very uncomfortable in her strange, restrictive Muggle clothing. Really, at her time in life she was getting a bit past the shenanigans of working undercover. She checked her watch for the third time in twenty minutes - where had Dumbledore got to?

If the front door hadn't opened at that very moment, unleashing Mrs Black's fury for the fourth time that day, there's no way she'd have been taken in by even a fairly complex spell...

_He was a big fluffy Tom-Cat from the wrong side of town, half-kneazle or so the rumours said. She was a sleek, smart, uptown tabby, with clean whiskers and lightning-fast reflexes. Together they dashed across the rooftops of London, quick of paw and steady of step, jumping across canopies and dodging buckets of water._

_Crookshanks presented her with a plump, juicy sparrow as a token of his love; she brought him the most delectable beetles for miles around. Together, they sang to the stars, silhouetted against the moon as their cries filled the air._

Minerva blinked, twitched her nose, and turned into a cat before trotting off, tail in the air, in search of those nice house mice that lurked down in the cellar.

~*~

Testing Analysis: stage three

'OK, that was - '

' - weird.'

'Yes.'

'Still, now we've worked out how to box it, all we have to do is set it up.'

'Leave it at the front of the kitchen cupboard...'

'...and wait for Lupin to going looking for biscuits...'

'...then sit back, and watch the results.'

~*~

It was late by the time Remus got home, cold and tired, and more than a little grumpy. He managed to tip-toe past the portrait in the hall, only to stumble on the stairs and bump his knee on the banister.

'Bugger.' Remus swore softly under his breath as he hobbled into the kitchen. 'Bugger, blast, arse and damn.'

'Good evening, Remus,' said Molly, who was just finishing up a spot of darning at the kitchen table.

'Oh, sorry, Molly,' said Remus. 'I didn't expect anyone else to be up.'

'I daresay.' Molly pursed her lips, with just a hint of disapproval. 'You look exhausted. Why don't you sit down and let me make you a cup of tea?'

'I wouldn't like to trouble you - ' Remus began, but Molly had already packed away her sewing and was spelling the kettle to boil and taking a clean mug from the draining rack.

'No trouble at all,' she assured him.

Remus sank down onto one of the kitchen chairs, head in his hands. He was too tired to argue, and certainly not alert enough to notice Molly fish a little jewel box out of the cupboard, look at it curiously, and then slip it into the pocket of her apron. Still, he was grateful for the mug of steaming tea she placed in front of him, along with a small plate of shortbread. In fact it perked him up so much that his observational abilities were returned to full strength.

'Thanks for the tea, Molly,' he said as he got up from the table. 'I think I'll turn in for the night now. I'll take Fred and George upstairs on my way, as they appear to have got themselves stuck in the pantry.'

The twins were escorted upstairs with looks of wry amusement from Remus, and muttered scoldings from their mother.

Which left Molly on her own in the kitchen.

She sat down with her own tea (which she preferred to drink tepid at best - years of never getting to drink tea before it went cold had lost her the taste for it), and picked the jewel box out of her pocket. After prodding it experimentally with her wand a few times, Molly eventually gave in to her curiosity. She opened the box, and released the charm...

_The kitchen was an absolutely mess, as usual, full of dirty cups, piles of parchment, and half-eaten plates of food. In the midst of it all was Black, lounging insouciantly on his chair with his feet on the table._

_'Don't you ever clean up after yourself?' asked Molly crossly as she started picking crockery off the table and piling it up in the sink. 'This place is an absolute sty.'_

_'I'm sorry, Molly,' said Sirius sincerely._

_It took Molly by surprise. She put down her washcloth and turned to face him. 'What did you say?'_

_'I said I'm sorry.' Sirius stood up and walked towards her. 'Can I make it up to you?'_

_Molly blinked. 'Can you - ' she started, but got no further as Sirius silenced her words with a deep, passionate kiss. Molly struggled briefly - she was a married woman, after all - but Sirius had her pinned against the sink and, besides, she didn't really want to struggle. Sirius' hands were strong and rough as he manoeuvred her across the kitchen, lying back on the table and pulling her on top of him._

_'Touch me, Molly, knead me,' gasped Sirius as Molly tore open his robes. 'Knead me like a pie crust!'_

_Molly gasped as Sirius' robes fell open, revealing his erection. (So_ that _was why he was such an arrogant git!)_

_'Molly, please,' he whined._

_Molly smiled in smug self-satisfaction, licking her lips as she slowly lowered her head..._

~*~

The kitchen was filled with light when Molly lifted her head. Oh, bother, she must have fallen asleep at the table. Her neck would be stiff all day after that.

'Morning, Molly. Any tea on?'

Sirius sounded so uncharacteristically cheerful that she didn't actually realise it was him until he was standing right in front of her.

'Um...' She could feel her face growing very warm indeed.

'Tea, Molly?' said Sirius. 'Brown liquid, best served with milk and sugar?'

Molly threw a tea-towel at him. 'Make your own flaming tea!' she shouted as she stormed out of the kitchen.

~*~

Testing Analysis: stage four

'Not a bad result.'

'Certainly seemed effective.'

'Could do with extra security though.'

'Maybe label the box next time.'

'Excellent idea.'

~*~

Hermione looked at the small, gift wrapped box that had been left on her bed, frowning. 'Did you see who left this?' she asked Ginny.

Ginny shook her head. 'No,' she said. 'Is there a tag?'

'Nothing,' said Hermione, turning the box over in her hand. 'It's not like I'm expecting any gifts - its ages until my birthday.'

'Maybe it's a love token,' Ginny teased. 'Ron probably sent it.'

'I probably sent what?' asked Ron as he strolled in through the open door.

'Someone's been sending Hermione secret love-gifts!' announced Ginny.

Ron scowled. 'Who'd want to do that?'

'I don't know!' snapped Hermione. 'There's no note, nothing.' She shook the box experimentally. 'Perhaps we should show it to Dumbledore - it could be something dangerous.'

'Oh, nonsense,' said Ginny, snatching the package out of her hand. 'Why don't we just open it and see?'

'Because we don't know - ' Hermione never got to finish the sentence, as Ginny unfastened the ribbon around the box and set free the spell inside...

_They were sitting in the Black family library, at desks just like the ones at Hogwarts, set out in a neat line. Professor Lupin strode back and forth at the front of the room, tapping a blackboard with a long, swishy cane as he spoke._

_'Are you three paying attention?’ he demanded._

_'Yes, sir,' chorused Hermione, Ron, and Ginny._

_'Well, I don't think you are,’ said Lupin, taping his cane against the palm of his hand. 'I think you are all very naughty children and you need to be punished. And if you're not being naughty, you're planning it, so I think I'd better spank you all just to be on the safe side.'_

_Hermione's hand shot up. 'Please, sir, can you spank me first?’_

_'Don't make me laugh,’ said Ron. 'I'm much naughtier than her. You should spank me extra-hard, sir.’_

_Ginny said nothing, just leant back in her chair undid the top button on her robes._

_'Why, class, aren't you eager.’ There was a hungry look on Lupin's face as he caressed his cane. 'All right, the three of you line up and bend over your desks. Robes up, pants down.'_

_He waved his cane through the air as they scrambled for position, smiling in anticipation..._

'Um...'

'Ah...'

'Er...'

'I think,' Ron started, his voice sounding uncharacteristically squeaky. 'I think... Ijustheardmumcalling.' He scrambled to his feet and dashed out of the door as fast as his legs would carry him.

'Yeah, I, um, better go and wash my hair before dinner,' said Hermione. She was blushing furiously. 'See you, bye.'

And she was gone.

Ginny laid back on her bed, frowning in contemplation. 'I wonder...'

~*~

Testing Analysis: stage five

'Well, that was unexpected.'

'Yet interesting.'

'Multiple hits could come in very useful.'

'At a later stage. For now, maybe just the one more direct hit.'

'A professional approach does require thorough testing.'

~*~

Mundungus Fletcher liked to think of himself as a man of principle. Of course, he was aware that almost nobody else saw him this way, but still. He had his own moral code, limits to what he would and wouldn't do. He had standards.

He also had a price, which is why he was hanging around the hallway at Grimmauld Place, a shiny new galleon in the back pocket of his robes and a parcel in his hand, waiting patiently for Tonks to get back from her late shift on guard duty.

'Wotcher, Dung.' Tonks looked weary when she finally turned up, her vivid pink hair contrasting oddly with her pale, worn face. 'Why are you loitering in hallways?'

'Just wanted to give you this,' he said, presenting her with the parcel. 'Moody said he'd have my guts for garters if I didn't make sure you got it tonight.'

Tonks accepted the parcel with a small nod of thanks, and tucked it into her pocket before slipping off her boots with exaggerated care.

'Well, I'd best be off,' muttered Dung, fumbling with his pipe as he spoke. He tapped it with his wand and inhaled deeply, then let out a thick cloud of green-ish grey smoke. 'Molly's left some stew for you in the oven, and there's some fancy wine that Sirius dug out of the cellar as well if you want it.'

'Thanks,' said Tonks. 'I'll see you at the meeting tomorrow, yeah?'

Dung nodded and took his leave.

Alone in the eerily-still hallway, Tonks tip-toed past Mrs Black's portrait (which was snoring loudly behind the curtains), and down the stairs to the kitchen, mindful of any little 'surprises' that Kreacher might have left for her as she went. Mercifully, there were none, so she retrieved the wine from the pantry, poured herself a generous gobletful, and sat down at the table to examine the parcel...

_She was in a lady's dressing room, decorated with fine ivory silks and any number of ornate gilt mirrors. Tonks herself stood in the centre of the room, dressed in expensive robes. The robes were held in place with a row of buttons down the front, made of shimmering mother-of-pearl. As Tonks started to unfasten the buttons, she became aware of eyes upon her - somewhere, behind one of the mirrors, someone was watching her. A smile spread across her face, and she continued to undress, her fingers lingering over button holes as she exposed each fresh inch of skin with tantalising slowness -_

'SIRIUS!' Tonks was on her feet in one swift movement, employing the infamous Black lung capacity to full effect. 'Get your arse down here now! And bring your friend with you!'

~*~

Testing Analysis: stage six

'I fear we may have encountered a problem.'

'A glitch in the system.'

'This is troubling.'

'Very.'

~*~

Sirius looked very annoyed at being dragged out of bed in the middle of the night, and even Remus was scowling almost as fiercely.

'So are you going to tell me why you had to drag me out of bed at his unholy hour, hollering like a fishwife?' he groused as Tonks passed him a gobletful of wine as a peace offering.

'Someone has been up to something very dodgy,' Tonks informed him grimly. 'And it's your responsibility - as head of the household - to do something about it.'

'Oh, fantastic,' said Sirius. He swallowed a gobletful of wine and poured another.

'Was there any particular reason why I had to be deprived of sleep as well?' groused Remus. He did not look like he was likely to be appeased with any amount of wine.

'Well, your experience of teaching defence might come in handy,' said Tonks. 'But really I thought you'd want to help, what with you being Sirius' -'

'Fuck bunny?' offered Sirius helpfully. The wine seemed to be working.

'Partner,' said Remus.

'Actually, I was thinking more of "accomplice" on this one,' said Tonks. 'Since I'm pretty sure I've been the victim of a rather childish prank.'

'I didn't do anything!' said Sirius. He flinched as Remus and Tonks both turned to look at him. 'Sorry,' he continued. 'Gut reaction.'

'Yes,' said Tonks slowly. 'Anyway, back to the matter at hand. Dung gave me this parcel earlier, said Moody'd left it for me. Only I'm pretty sure it wasn't from Moody, as it contained this weird mind-altering spell.'

'What sort of spell?' asked Remus.

'It, um, it's a bit hard to explain,' said Tonks. 'It gave me these... hallucinations.'

'Is this the parcel?' asked Sirius, reaching for the pile of brown paper at the centre of the table.

'Yes, but be careful,' said Tonks. 'I was able to break myself out of the spell, but the charm may not be exhausted.'

Sirius scoffed. 'Nothing ventured, nothing gained,' he insisted, and started to unwrap the package...

_He was riding over the sea, his arms wrapped tightly around Snape's waist as the two of them rode a magnificent winged horse. Sirius' heart was pounding in his chest as sea-spray misted his face, and the wind ruffled his air._

_Finally, they set down in a field of beautiful flowers, surrounded by blooms of every colour of the rainbow. The air was thick with the scent of honeysuckle, and a chorus of bird chirruped in the trees._

_Snape slid down off the horse, then offered a hand to Sirius, who fell into the other's arms as he dismounted the steed._

_'I brought you to the only place I knew that's almost as beautiful as you are,’ cooed Snape as he ran his fingers through Sirius' hair. 'So that you can be free, my love.’_

_'Oh, Sevvie,’ replied Sirius, in an equally sickening tone, 'how can I ever repay you?’_

_Snape just smiled and leant towards him. They kissed, long and languid, with the amber glow of the setting sun illuminating their faces, and butterflies floating around them..._

'Padfoot?' Remus clicked his fingers in front of Sirius' face. 'Sirius, what's wrong?'

Sirius just gazed ahead, with a dopy grin on his face.

'Wake UP!' shouted Tonks, and she gave Sirius a good slap around the chops.

Sirius blinked, shook his head, and returned to consciousness with a start. 'Fucking hell!' he said. 'That was... that... oh, the _horror._ '

'What happened?' asked Remus.

Sirius took a deep breath, and another mouthful of wine, before answering. 'There was Snape... and a flying horse... and flowers, butterflies...'

'Sounds terrifying,' said Tonks. Remus and Sirius both glared at her.

'And _kissing_ ,' added Sirius.

The sympathetic expression on Remus' face faded. 'You were thinking about kissing Snape?'

Sirius nodded glumly. 'It was awful,' he said. 'Like some really bad romance novel. With sunsets! And that flying horse - not even a hippogriff: I shall never be able to look Buckbeak in the eye again.'

'Oh, yes, you should worry about betraying _Buckbeak_ ,' shot Remus sarcastically.

'Don't be such an idiot, Lupin,' said Tonks. 'It's not like Sirius _wanted_ to have sick fantasies about Snape. It was the spell, remember?'

Remus bristled. 'He certainly looked like he was enjoying it.'

'I did not!' said Sirius.

'Actually, you did look quite happy at the time,' said Tonks, grinning wickedly.

Sirius' glare grew colder than ever. 'I could kill you with my mind, you know.'

'Of course you could, puppy,' said Tonks. 'But later, yes? For now we need to work out what's going on here.'

'Yes,' agreed Remus. 'Unless you want to continue having erotic daydreams about Snape?'

Sirius just scowled at him. Tonks rolled her eyes at the pair of them, and Summoned some parchment and a quill, ready to make notes.

'First of all, I think we should look for a pattern,' she said. 'Has anything like this happened before?'

'Yes,' admitted Sirius, though he seemed reluctant to do so. 'I experienced a similar... aberration a few days ago. Wasn't as bad as this, though.'

'Had you opened any parcels or packages, noticed anything unusual?' asked Tonks.

'No, nothing,' said Sirius. 'I just thought it was the universe's way of telling me I needed to drink more alcohol.'

'Hmm, yes,' said Tonks. 'You know, most people would see it the other way around. Remus, what about you - have you had any unusual thoughts you couldn't explain?'

'No.' Remus looked pointedly at Sirius as he spoke. 'I haven't had any sordid little fantasies about anyone.'

'Except me, of course,' said Sirius. He suddenly looked a look more cheerful, and it was Remus' turn to scowl.

Tonks ignored them both, and pressed on. 'What about anyone else? Any signs of unusual behaviour, staring into the distance, that sort of thing?

'Molly,' said Remus. 'She can't be in a room with Sirius at all these days.'

'She doesn't like me for some reason.'

'But it's more than that,' insisted Remus. 'Every time Sirius walks into the room she blushes and runs off. Especially down here, actually. In fact, she can't even stand people talking about him - she asked me what to make for pudding the other day, and I told her you liked lemon meringue pie, and she looked like she might faint.'

'I'm no expert on these things, but I'd say Molly's been imagining Sirius giving her one over the kitchen table,' said Tonks.

Sirius leant back in his chair, looking smug. 'Well, she is only human.'

'Just what was it that first attracted you to Snape and his stallion?'

'Boys, please,' said Tonks, looking up from her scribbled notes. 'I think we might actually be getting somewhere. Anything else?'

'Yes, him!' Sirius jabbed a finger at Remus. 'All the children are suddenly scared of him.'

'They're not scared of me.'

'They've been acting weird,' insisted Sirius. 'Remus was just tapping his wand against his palm when Hermione came into the library the other day, and she looked like she wanted to throw up.'

'Arthur looked much the same when I told him I had a new plug for his collection yesterday,' said Tonks. 'Obviously this is a pretty wide-ranging prank - someone has been forcing sexually explicit daydreams on almost everyone in this house. But who would do something like that?'

'The Weasley twins,' chorused Remus and Sirius.

Tonks grimaced. 'Of course.'

'We should make them pay,' said Sirius.

'Revenge - when richly deserved and delivered in an appropriate manner - is sweet,' agreed Remus.

'Let's do it,' said Tonks.

'Just one moment though,' said Remus. He got to his feet, pulled out his wand, and pointed it towards the ceiling. 'Accio Extendable Ears!'

Some loose bits of plaster fell from the ceiling, and a moment later Remus held two slightly dirty lengths of flesh-coloured string, which he folded into his pocket before sitting down.

'Now, Mr Padfoot, Miss Tonks; are we ready to begin?'

'I believe we are, Mr Moony,' agreed Sirius. 'Shall we start with naming our scheme?'

'Good idea,' said Tonks. 'I think "Operation Poetic Justice" has a nice ring, don't you?'

~*~

Testing Analysis: stage seven

'I think, perhaps, we should call a temporary halt to proceedings.'

'Lie low for a bit.'

'Keep out of harm’s way.'

'Maybe practice some defensive techniques.'

'Security detectors, that sort of thing.'

'Yes.'


End file.
